I seriously must have a flashing sign above my head that reads “Now Single” because I can’t remember ever being hit on in the last three years, but have been propositioned a number of times in the past week or so since Tony moved out. Not that I’m complaining, because I could really use the validation right now, but I have been interested in accepting exactly ZERO of the requests for my phone number/ a date from men. So, I thought I’d provide a couple of tips for the men out there:

1. Don’t tell me you’re going down to San Francisco to clear up a parking ticket so you can get your gun back, then proceed to try to shove my hand down your pants. On the Greyhound.

2. Don’t hit on me at Planned Parenthood. Obviously, I put out, just not for you.

3. Don’t be a creepy, balding, old guy.

4. Just don’t be creepy in general.

5. Do NOT call me “Boo.” In fact, how about you don’t call me any nicknames until we’ve at least slept together, mmmkay?

6. Don’t have neck tattoos.

7. Don’t sag your pants. That’s so 1991.

8. Do not refer to my booty. At all. The words plump, round, juicy, etc. all translate to “FAT” in whitegirlspeak.

*Note: I’m fairly certain this list will be added to regularly in the coming weeks. Prepare yourselves.