Hey Family! Yeah, it’s me OVER HERE! Oh, you see me now? OK, good because I have something to say. And don’t pretend you don’t read this because I know you all check this, which is why I’ve had to start blogs all over the Internets to keep hiding from you. But now I’m coming out to talk to you because I have something to say. Maybe this will stop the gossip mills. So, you listening? Good.

FOR THE RECORD: Tony did NOT break up with me because he wanted to get married and I turned him down. I don’t know where the fuck this rumor came from, but it couldn’t be further from the truth. How’s about next time you just ask me what the fuck happened? Granted, some of you have asked me and I’ve been crying too hysterically to answer, but still. Do you really have to start crazy rumors? If you really must know, and really, you do, right? That’s why the rumor mill is going, right? So, here’s the deal: I don’t know why Tony broke up with me.

He gave me a bunch of reasons (you know, the kind you tell the other person so that you don’t have to tell them the truth, which is that you just can’t stand them anymore). Mostly he said he just wants to hang out with his friends and not worry about whether I’m going to be OK with it or not. He wants to be free and single and “do his own thing.” But there are other things too. You know, he hates that I want to travel (NEWS TO ME) and that I don’t have a “real” job. Oh, and a bunch of other bullshit stuff that really just means: HE DOESN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME ANYMORE.

K? Got that?

Good. I’m glad we had this little talk.