In a recent blog I briefly mentioned going to the courthouse again. I went Friday afternoon to sign the final judgment on the divorce. I seriously thought I was fine, even when Kaytie left the comment saying she’d be thinking about me I thought to myself, “Hm. That’s weird I think I’m pretty much over this.” I guess I thought that because there wasn’t a big build up like the first time we went to court, and also because we didn’t have to go together this time. But once I got there and started filling out the paperwork, answering their questions, and signing my name I couldn’t help but cry.

It all started with the woman asking me for my name, which I gave her before realizing it was Donald’s name she would really need. It got me thinking about the whole name change thing. I was standing there with my drivers license out and realized I’m going to have to go change it. I’m going to have to change my social security card, my credit cards, my passport – everything. For most women, changing their name is the most exciting part of getting married. It means it’s final. It means you’ve made a real commitment.

Although I was totally against changing my name in the first place, and I’ve been going by my maiden name throughout my marriage, I was still sad to think I’m going to be changing it back. It means it’s final. It means there’s no turning back.

I think going through this has been the most difficult thing I’ve ever gone through. What bothers me most is that the legal system makes it necessary to keep reopening the wound. First we filed for divorce. Then we had to wait six months before our court date. Then after we went to court we have to go back to sign the judgment a month later. Now I have to wait for the court to mail me the paperwork so I have proof that my name is officially my name again. As though divorce isn’t hard enough.

I just hope I get my passport changed in time for my Costa Rica trip.

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