I know everybody is on me to get the pictures posted from last night, but it may not be until tomorrow because I have to choose the best ones and try to be witty when I post my blog. That’s a lot of work for me. However, I did want to post this one picture because it really got me thinking about group dynamics.

Here’s a picture of me and a group of my friends from last night:

We’re all smiling and laughing, but as I look at this picture I realize how much we really hide from one another. In a big group we can hide and pretend everything is going fabulously in our lives, but if you separate us out, look at our lives on an individual basis things look oh-so different. Because many of the people in this picture are close to me I know what is going on in their lives and I can almost put little thought bubbles above each of their heads as to what they were really thinking when this photo was taken.

Each of us is struggling with either relationships, insecurities, eating disorders, self-image, family life or any number of other things. I know we all struggle with these things every day, but it was just so profound for me to look at this picture and see all of those things merging together right in front of me. We were all having a great time last night, not realizing that some of us were struggling with things much bigger than we thought.

As I watch my life and the lives of those around me unfold I see that real life can be every bit as dramatic as any TV show or movie. It’s unfortunate, but it’s life. But what I hate most is that so many people in my life are going through difficult times in their lives right now when I feel like I can’t be there for them like I normally would be because my own life is so scattered and uncertain right now.

Lately I feel like I’m just the “fun” friend, I’m not a friend people can count on and it sucks. I’ve always been the responsible one. I was the oldest girl in my family. I helped raise seven children. I’ve watched many of my friends face very difficult times in their lives and I’ve tried to always be there for them. Then somehow a few years ago I just gave up on everyone else and decided to worry about me for awhile. Unfortunately it’s become a bit of a habit – to the point that 64 percent of people now agree that I’m selfish. I am selfish. I admit it. But I think there comes a point in people’s lives when they deserve to be selfish and that time in my life is now. I just hope it doesn’t mean I’m going to lose the close friends I’ve made over the years and I hope they know I’m trying and I’m here for them as much as I can be.

Wow, this blog turned into super self-analysis and it wasn’t intended to go that way. I always feel weird about posting blogs like this on here, but I’m going to do it anyway. Sorry for being a little too emo.

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