February 2006


In a recent blog I briefly mentioned going to the courthouse again. I went Friday afternoon to sign the final judgment on the divorce. I seriously thought I was fine, even when Kaytie left the comment saying she’d be thinking about me I thought to myself, “Hm. That’s weird I think I’m pretty much over this.” I guess I thought that because there wasn’t a big build up like the first time we went to court, and also because we didn’t have to go together this time. But once I got there and started filling out the paperwork, answering their questions, and signing my name I couldn’t help but cry.

It all started with the woman asking me for my name, which I gave her before realizing it was Donald’s name she would really need. It got me thinking about the whole name change thing. I was standing there with my drivers license out and realized I’m going to have to go change it. I’m going to have to change my social security card, my credit cards, my passport – everything. For most women, changing their name is the most exciting part of getting married. It means it’s final. It means you’ve made a real commitment.

Although I was totally against changing my name in the first place, and I’ve been going by my maiden name throughout my marriage, I was still sad to think I’m going to be changing it back. It means it’s final. It means there’s no turning back.

I think going through this has been the most difficult thing I’ve ever gone through. What bothers me most is that the legal system makes it necessary to keep reopening the wound. First we filed for divorce. Then we had to wait six months before our court date. Then after we went to court we have to go back to sign the judgment a month later. Now I have to wait for the court to mail me the paperwork so I have proof that my name is officially my name again. As though divorce isn’t hard enough.

I just hope I get my passport changed in time for my Costa Rica trip.

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I went to the mall during the weekend to use up a giftcard I’ve been carrying around for more than a year. While I was there I passed by Barnes and Noble. I tried to resist the temptation to go in. “I’ll just look through the windows, there’s not harm in that,” I told myself. But in the front window was the book “A Million Little Pieces,” which I’ve been coveting for months. It was in the biography section, so I decided to just go in and have a look. I didn’t even make it to the book because another one caught my eye. It was called “Hypocrite in a Pouffy White Dress,” written by Susan Jane Gilman.

I read the Author’s Note at the beginning and I was hooked. I had to buy it. I’ve only read the first chapter so far, but I know it’s going to be a great book, just from this excerpt alone:

“I’ve written this book, in part, because it seems that all of us could use a good laugh these days. Yet I’ve also written it because so many of the stories women are currently telling are all about getting a man. Or about getting over a man. Or about getting laid. Or about not getting laid. Or about not getting laid and not getting a man, but deciding we’re okay with it.

“Having spent criminal amounts of time sleeping with inappropriate men myself, then bragging about it, I love hearing about other people’s romantic and sexual ineptitude as much as the next person. Yet ultimately, there’s so much more to women’s lives that’s worthy of attention and ridicule. While a few stories do involve a boy, a bra, and a booty call, mostly their focus is elsewhere – on other passions and delusions that we all experience in one form or another.

“It’s my hope that these ‘coming of age’ stories make readers laugh, and prove once and for all that a gril doesn’t need a guy in her life in order to act like a complete idiot. Certainly I, at least, never have.”

The first chapter was hilarious and I can only see it getting better as it goes through her life. (It’s auto-biographical). I already know this is going to be one of those books that will change my perspective….

If you’ve been reading, then you know that yesterday my little sister celebrated her 20th with a broken heart. Her boyfriend broke up with her over the weekend and being so young, this was her first big break up and first real love. I’ve been on the side of a break up for awhile, not because I don’t love Kirk, but because my sister is still so young. Many mormons get married very early and I see a lot of them in unhappy marriages because they have so many regrets of things they wanted to do but didn’t because they grew up so fast. Well, maybe that’s just me. Regardless, I didn’t want her to be so serious with somone when there are so many things I know she’ll want to have done. When we’re young and people tell us that we tend not to believe them. We think we’re always right and they’re always wrong.

Kirk broke up with my sister because he knows they need to have more life experiences before they settle down. He’s studying to be a marriage counselor and I’m sure he understands the difficulties he and my sister would face if they kept being so serious so quickly and at such a young age. They’d only been together for about 8 months and they were talking about marriage already and it scared me to death (Mormons tend to rush into marriage too). Me and my sister are different in many ways, but I know her and I know she had a lot of dreams before she got bogged down in a relationship and started letting her plans go out the door.

Although I think his timing sucks I think him breaking up with my sister was the best thing for her and I think he knows it too. It must have killed him to break her heart for her best interest, but sometimes that’s what has to happen. That’s why Donald left me too and even though it sucked at the time I know it was what was best for me and I would have never done it myself no matter how unhappy I was. I think it’s a sign of really loving somebody when you can put their happiness above your own.

Jess, I know it’s not easy and it still hurts even if it’s the right thing for us. Everyone always tells us to just move on, to forget about them, things will get better. Yeah, that may be true, but it’s okay to be sad too. Take this opportunity to do what YOU want to do. I know you thinkĀ  we’re so different now because I’ve fallen away from the church, but I think we’re still as alike as we’ve always been, even if you don’t want to admit it. Remember, I’ll be there as soon as the snow melts.

Why I’m bitter and jaded about men, love and relationships: My sister just called me crying because her boyfriend dumped her yesterday.

Today is her birthday.

PS Her last boyfriend broke up with her on her birthday last year too.

PPS Look at my sister:

Who would do that to her?!?!

PPPS Who does that to ANYONE?!?! Grrr…..I’m so mad right now.

Alright, I’ve kept you waiting long enough. But beware, this is a long one because we took way too many pictures. Now without further ado, here are the pictures from our Hooters outing this weekend. For those of you who weren’t able to make it, you can read the narration and try to put the pieces together. Some of the night is a bit fuzzy…

This is where it all began:

Side note: When I took the above picture one of the other Hooters girls walked by and said, “Girl, you’re gonna be famous” to this Hooters girl. Luckily I hadn’t reached Drunk Fighting Becca stage yet so I managed not to tell her off. Oh, and she was right. This girl is all over myspace now. So ha.

Moving along…we told our waitress it was my friend Allan’s birthday so he gamely hula-hooped for us:

Here’s some of the other people who showed up for our night out:

Side note: Tony did you not get the memo?

My friend Brian, who I haven’t seen in about five years:

And here’s my roomie who I almost never see:

Posing for the paparazzi:

After Hooters we moved on to Joshua Pups, where Sofia started smoking for some reason. I don’t even know where she got the cigarette from. Amy quickly stole it from her though:

Then we accosted some guy and made him take some group pictures. I think he must have been drinking too because this is what most of them turned out like:

We went to a few more bars after this, but after dropping my uber-expensive camera I decided it would be best if left in the car. This is the last picture of the evening, taken on the ride home:

I think you’d all agree it was a good night by looking at the eyes. Thanks to all of you who made it out! I love all of our crazy times together.

PS For all of you who think I’m always photogenic and try to capture me in my least attractive state, someone was successful Friday night and shot this gem:

I know everybody is on me to get the pictures posted from last night, but it may not be until tomorrow because I have to choose the best ones and try to be witty when I post my blog. That’s a lot of work for me. However, I did want to post this one picture because it really got me thinking about group dynamics.

Here’s a picture of me and a group of my friends from last night:

We’re all smiling and laughing, but as I look at this picture I realize how much we really hide from one another. In a big group we can hide and pretend everything is going fabulously in our lives, but if you separate us out, look at our lives on an individual basis things look oh-so different. Because many of the people in this picture are close to me I know what is going on in their lives and I can almost put little thought bubbles above each of their heads as to what they were really thinking when this photo was taken.

Each of us is struggling with either relationships, insecurities, eating disorders, self-image, family life or any number of other things. I know we all struggle with these things every day, but it was just so profound for me to look at this picture and see all of those things merging together right in front of me. We were all having a great time last night, not realizing that some of us were struggling with things much bigger than we thought.

As I watch my life and the lives of those around me unfold I see that real life can be every bit as dramatic as any TV show or movie. It’s unfortunate, but it’s life. But what I hate most is that so many people in my life are going through difficult times in their lives right now when I feel like I can’t be there for them like I normally would be because my own life is so scattered and uncertain right now.

Lately I feel like I’m just the “fun” friend, I’m not a friend people can count on and it sucks. I’ve always been the responsible one. I was the oldest girl in my family. I helped raise seven children. I’ve watched many of my friends face very difficult times in their lives and I’ve tried to always be there for them. Then somehow a few years ago I just gave up on everyone else and decided to worry about me for awhile. Unfortunately it’s become a bit of a habit – to the point that 64 percent of people now agree that I’m selfish. I am selfish. I admit it. But I think there comes a point in people’s lives when they deserve to be selfish and that time in my life is now. I just hope it doesn’t mean I’m going to lose the close friends I’ve made over the years and I hope they know I’m trying and I’m here for them as much as I can be.

Wow, this blog turned into super self-analysis and it wasn’t intended to go that way. I always feel weird about posting blogs like this on here, but I’m going to do it anyway. Sorry for being a little too emo.

Today’s my day off and usually it leaves my mind time to wander and come up with so many blog ideas that I don’t know which one to choose, but today I got nothing. I logged on because I couldn’t sleep. I keep having bad dreams so I’d rather stay awake than go back to bed, but I’m completely exhausted and my brain is totally fried from the week. I also have to go to the court house today to sign the last of the divorce paperwork. Donald has been bugging me about it for weeks but I haven’t had a day off at the same time the courthouse has been open until today.

Also, my laptop is officially fried. Donald took it home with him last night to reformat it. Do you all know what reformatting means?!?! It means he has to delete EVERYTHING from my laptop! That sucks for sure. It seems like everything in life runs that way. As soon as you get things to where you want them to be something happens that makes you have to start all over. What this means folks is I’ll be carrying around my gi-normous papparazzi camera for the next few days forcing all of you to take pictures of me and my friends so I have a variety to choose from. Prepare yourselves now because tonight will be the first outing with Paparazzi Becca. Mwahahahaha! <—evil laugh.

Also, I’ve noticed myspace has been having a lot of “server is too busy” reports lately. I don’t know how it can be too busy when none of you are ever online. I come on here hoping to get a little bit of entertainment out of my boring day and there are none of you here for me to harass. It’s just not fair. Wow, I really am bored and trying to avoid getting out of bed and drive to Sacramento right now. It’s gotten to the point of whining in my blog. Hm.

Well, I guess I’ll go face the day. By the way we’re filming the third real version of our news show today. It’s been showing on the public access station for about two weeks now. Luckily not many peoople watch public access and nobody in town has come up to me and laughed in my face for my poor performance on the “news.” Hahaha. One day when we’ve improved I’ll think about posting one on here for you all to view and laugh hysterically at. For now, it remains a private shame…unless you live in Woodland and have public access, which I don’t even have. Thank goodness.

PS I got paid today and put another $10 in my costa rica fund. I know it’s not much, but I have to pay rent and my car payment with this check so it’s all I could really afford until I check my balance. So I’m up to $1280. I only have five more weeks before my money’s due so donate now if you can! Thanks to all of you who have helped me out and remember donations are tax deductible because it’s going to a non-profit organization.

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