Going Through a Red Streak

Ugh. I have been in the dumps lately about everything. My mood for the past couple of weeks could easily be described as: ANGRY. The slightest things upset me and my boyfriend is continually asking me why I’m so mean lately. Answer: I don’t know. Likely problem: I haven’t been able to run in nearly six weeks now. And now I went to the doctor (finally), who told me I’m not allowed to run anymore – at least not until my leg fully heals. The good news is I don’t have a stress fracture (yet).

I hate when I get in these types of moods. I feel stressed out and drama all the time lately and I hate it. Yesterday I got my hair chopped off and even invested in a new purse to replace my old ratty one with holes all over it. But neither has really seemed to make a dent in this terrible mood I’ve fallen into. I’m seriously considering going to the school psychologist and asking for a Prozac prescription. I wonder if that would help?

 

Deja vue?

It’s been about a year since I started selling off all of my things in preparation to move to France. Now, only five months after being in Paris, I’m doing the same thing. And I’m tired. Over the past few days I’ve been boxing up my few movies and books so I can ship them back home. I’ve also been deciding what I can give away before I leave. Doesn’t it feel like I just did this?

Also in my preparations to leave I’ve been thinking about how great it will be to be back home with my friends, and drinking wine at our pseudo book club. How fab it will be to be able to buy any book I want in English. What it will be like to go out for Mexican food any time of the day. And…well it made me just want to go home and stay there. I’ve been thinking a lot the last few days that maybe I don’t want to leave again. I mean I like the idea of Germany, but I’m worried it will turn out to be another big failure. And anyway, my life at home is pretty great. Why would I want to leave it again?

Of course, I didn’t say this out loud because I’m usually the type of person who says what I’m going to do and then I do it. Plus, I’d already talked Tony into it.

But then, today when Tony and I were waiting for an elevator, he turned to me and said, “Do you really want to do this again in a year?” It was as if he knew exactly what I was thinking at that exact moment.

“I’m not so sure it’s a good idea. What do you think?” I said.

“Nah, I’m tired of Europe. If we go anywhere again, let’s go to Hawaii.”

“Hawaii. Yeah, OK.”

I’m so glad I didn’t have to be the one to call off our moving abroad again. All I want is to come home. This whole experience has really embittered me about France, and pretty much the whole European continent. I’m sad because I used to really love it here. Maybe it’s just because I’m getting older; I’m just set in my ways and enjoy being where it’s familiar.

Of course, we could always change our minds once we get back home. We may remember Europe as being this big magical place and we may want to come running back. Not likely, but it could happen. I’m still learning German just in case. But Hawaii does sound nice. And it’s a MUCH quicker plane ride home if we hate it.

Return to sender updated: March 10.

 

Ambition, or lack thereof

The other day I was telling some of my friends here that I got accepted to grad school. Naturally, the next questions were where am I going and what will I be studying. I told them I’m going back to CSU Sacramento, where I also received my B.A.

“I’m not too ambitious,” I said. “It’s the only school I applied to. I figured if I didn’t get in then I’d just find something else to do.”

Later I thought about that attitude. This idea that I’m not ambitious because I’m going to a state school, one I’ve already been to, in a town I already know, not fifteen minutes from where I grew up.

Really, is that me being unambitious, or is it me being realistic? Yeah, maybe I could have gotten into a better school, but could I have afforded it? Would it really have been worth paying the $50-100 application fee just to see if I’m really good enough to go to Harvard or Columbia, only to have to turn them down because there’s no way I could come up with the cash for one semester (much less four)?

Is it really ambitious people who go to Yale and Harvard? Or is it people whose parents were ambitious and just happened to have enough money to send them there? I’m sure there are some ambitious people out there who go to good schools because they really want it. But I’m sure there are quite a few who just think of those schools as if they were any other school.

I don’t know. Sometimes I’m kind of bummed that I never applied anywhere else for my B.A. But I don’t think I’d have wanted to spend six years figuring out what to do with my life if I had been paying 10 times as much for tuition.

am·bi·tious

1.	having ambition; eagerly desirous of achieving or obtaining success, power, wealth, a specific goal, etc.: ambitious students.

2.	showing or caused by ambition: an ambitious attempt to break the record.

3.	strongly desirous; eager: ambitious of love and approval.

4.	requiring exceptional effort, ability, etc.: an ambitious program for eliminating all slums.

Does ambition really mean you seek to obtain power, wealth and success? Or are there other kinds of ambition? Maybe I do lack ambition, but I make up for it in my willingness to explore the world. If I were focused on only one thing, I think I’d miss a lot of other stuff. Is that me making excuses again for my bad behavior?

 

I should have brought my umbrella…

I looked outside this morning and thought it looked cold out. But it didn’t look like it was going to rain. I debated bringing my umbrella and decided on a no. That was my first mistake of the day.

The rain gods were punishing me today. For what, I don’t know. What I do know is that there were no rainclouds in the sky, but as soon as I was about to exit my vehicle the rain began pouring down. And as soon as I got back into my car the rain would stop. Coincidence? No. It’s the rain gods.

In addition to the punishment from the rain gods, I was yelled at by some French guy today for parking next to his car. Granted, I was double parked, but there were about thirty other cars parked there too. And I made sure to leave room for him to be able to get out. I guess he was afraid of scraping his crap car on my crap car. So instead he stood outside his car smoking a cigarette until I got there. And then proceeded to lecture me about how I made him wait for half an hour. (I was only gone for 15 minutes at the most). If I had been at home I probably would have said something like, “Well, would you prefer to wait another half an hour while we discuss this or do you want me to get in my car and drive off?” But instead I just said, “Desolée” and got in my car.

Then again, if I were at home I wouldn’t have been double parked.

For some reason though, this confrontation sparked an emotional breakdown for me. As I drove home I started thinking about how much I want to go home and how much I hate taking care of kids and on and on and on until, by the time I got home, I had worked myself into a crying mess. I couldn’t really explain all that to my boss because, really, it was just me being over-emotional. She gathered it was probably the stress from the confrontation with that guy, which looking back now is probably a correct conclusion.

Having already had this kind of day, it was only bound to get worse, which it did….when I sideswiped a parked car. I know, I know, you don’t even have to bother with the jokes about female drivers. It really wasn’t ALL my fault though. The guy was parked illegally on the right and was taking up my entire lane. And to my left there was a giant city bus. So I tried to squeeze between the two and…well, I just didn’t fit. The other car really didn’t look that bad, but my beautiful little car now has a giant scratch all the way down her passenger side.

Oh, and this happened in front of a whole row of stores so all the employees and customers came out onto the street to see what happened and stared at me like I was the devil so I was forced to leave a note instead of driving away even though the other car didn’t even really have much damage. And in it’s own turn, that meant I had to tell my boss about the accident instead of pretending somebody must have hit me while I was illegally parked.

Oh, oh, oh, and then right when I got home today it started pouring down rain. And I mean buckets full. You could hear it on the roof and there was lightning and everything. So I had to walk a block in the rain in only a t-shirt and jeans.

I really wish I’d taken my umbrella this morning.

 

Take a chance…

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about all the things I want to do and how unlikely it is that they’ll ever happen because, as we all know, most things take money and time, both of which seem to be in short supply these days.

But then I was stumbling around on the internet and I found this quote from Mark Twain:

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”

I think I may take his advice one of these days. Just not today.

 

Theme song for my life

People are always posting the songs that would make up the soundtrack of their life, but I’ve never really been able to pinpoint songs that really fit me. Then today I thought of “Keep Looking” by Sara Evans and was struck with the realization that the song fit my life perfectly. Here’s and excerpt:

“Back when I was young
Couldn’t wait to grow up
Get away and get out on my own
And looking back now
Ain’t it funny how
I’ve been trying to get back home, yeah

When my low self esteem
Needs a man loving me
And I find me a perfect catch
Then I see my friends
Having wild weekends
Then I don’t wanna get quite so attached
Just as soon as I get what I want
I get unsatisfied
Good is good but could be better

I keep looking, I keep looking for
I keep looking for something more
I always wonder what’s on the other side
Of the number two door
I keep looking
Looking for something more…”

Does anyone else ever feel like they’re always looking for the next best thing? I’m really beginning to worry that there’s something wrong with me.

 

Things don’t change

I just got my car back. The repairs ended up only costing $639 because I cried. Not to say that this is the best method, but I was frustrated and exhausted so when they could only approve me for $500 credit toward the repairs the tears just came. The girl at the counter felt sorry for me and gave me a discount, then when the repair guy came in and talked to me I just got more upset. I guess he felt bad for me too because he gave me another 10 percent off.

It was a relief because it meant I had the $139 I needed to pay for it, except now I can’t pay my student loan this month, but that’s just Uncle Sam. He’s pretty forgiving, right?

Anyway, the real reason I was writing today is because while I was waiting for my car to get fixed I was unpacking some boxes and I found a letter I wrote to myself when I joined sorority (we had to do it). It was dated Oct. 4, 2004, but it could have been written by me today. I guess not so much has really changed. Here’s an excerpt:

“As always work is frustrating because I feel like no matter how much I work I still have no money and I feel like work gets in the way of me doing well in school and me doing things that I really want to do. Why oh why can’t I be independently wealthy or win the lottery?!? Maybe someday somebody really rich will feel sorry for me and give me a ton of money…”

Oh and my favorite is the last line of the letter to myself:

“I hope Bush gets voted out of office.”

Too bad that didn’t happen.

Kay, well I’m feeling better now that my car is at least running. Hope you are all doing well.

 

Reason or Excuse?

I never understood when people said, “That’s an excuse not a reason.” Aren’t they really the same thing?

I’ve been really moody lately. (If you ask Tony, that’s probably an understatement). I’ve been blaming it on “stress.” The problem is that stress seems like an excuse to me because I don’t feel stressed out. However, I know there are a lot of stresses in my life right now that can make me act stressed.

After all, I just started a new job. I don’t have a place of my own (in case you hadn’t seen, my new residence is “Sofia’s Room”). I don’t have any money. I have to find a house when I get back. And I’m trying to prepare for a month-long stay in a country where I don’t speak the language. All of these things are stress-causers.

But at the same time, wouldn’t any rational person be able to handle this without getting upset at the drop of a hat? I feel like I’m totally neurotic lately. The problem is I don’t know how to change it. I can tell myself to get more sleep. I can say I’m going to eat healthy and exercise. But if I don’t actually do it then I’m just going to continue being stressed out.

I really feel like all of these things will work themselves out when I get back from Costa Rica and manage to settle into “normal” again – once I have a routine. What I worry about is that I might lose some of you before I get there.

I really just hope I’m not going crazy. It’s not possible for a 25-year-old to go through menopause is it?

…but then again I did start my period at age 10…

 

Conservatives are the antithesis of liberals

Militant, angry, judgmental liberals are just as off-putting as the hard-nosed, evangelical Christian, judgmental conservatives they oppose. They are the mirror image of each other reversed. AND all either of these groups do is make me wish I could stab myself in the eardrums with a pen so I can stop listening to them tell me how they’re right and the other is wrong.

 

Things are looking up!

I started my new job today. It was stressful, but I can tell I’ll like it.

I got to have four days off to spend lying by the pool and hanging out with Tony and my friends.

I finally got my haircut.

I moved back to Sacramento and get to live with Sofia for a few weeks.

And I got my trip assignment for Costa Rica. I’m for real going and I get to work with the sea turtles!

I’m definitely feeling better than I was a few days ago.